To clarify my Twitter rant:

I think it’s deplorable that the media portrays grossly overweight actresses as positive role models for young girls for being “comfortable with their bodies” when this country has the highest obesity rate in the world, and growing.

This is not an attack on people who are overweight. This is a statement about our culture and the way the media covers itself for being accused so often of setting unrealistic expectations for women.

While I find the push to be unhealthily skinny to be a horrible thing, I doubt the answer is to push the agenda in the opposite direction, which is to say that it’s okay to eat an entire submarine sandwich in bed, so long as it looks funny on camera.

The radical idea of “eating healthy” and “exercising” is apparently too terrifying to grasp.

Best of luck, Michelle Obama.

Certainly, this was intended to be more light-hearted than the way it came off, so I will apologize to anyone who took it the wrong way, but also say, “Piss off. It was written as a joke, and only took a more serious turn once I had to defend myself to you fucking hobgoblin creature fucks.”

That is all.

Boston

As a Yankees fan, I send all of my love and support to the city of Boston and Red Sox Nation following yesterday’s tragedy.

At the very least, this senseless act of terror will help bring Red Sox fans and Yankees fans closer together.

Now, for years to come, we can argue about whose city had the worst terrorist attack too.

That being said, I hope everyone in Boston is doing much better today than yesterday.

Keep your heads up. You’re an amazing, strong city, and I’m sure you’ll recover in time for the playoffs. 

We’ll see you there.

Kindergarten Cop and Terminator 2 Are the Same Movie

Terminator 2 and Kindergarten Cop are the same movie.

Both star Arnold Schwarzenegger as an authority figure who is transplanted to a distant place to protect a mother and her child from a rogue psychopath. The climax of both movies involves a fire.

Replace robots with school children. Same shit.

Case closed.

By the way, I stumbled onto this conclusion when I announced at the bar that my friend Betsy looks like the little boy from Kindergarten Cop who says, “Boys have penises. Girls have vaginas.” Thank you. No wait. I’m sorry. You’re welcome.

Bombs Away: Collected Thoughts on North Korea

Does anyone else think, at this point, North Korea is giving the United States far more plausible reasons to invade and overthrow their government than say, I dunno…Iraq, Afghanistan, or Iran?

The US invaded Iraq because there “might” have “possibly” been weapons of mass destruction, and because we felt the need to spread “freedom” and “democracy” across the globe.

On the other hand, communist-run North Korea is BRAGGING about having weapons of mass destruction and TELLING the United States they’re beyond excited to fire a few this way.

The only explanation for this I can think of is, maybe rice isn’t as valuable as oil?

I mean, what’s the point of “spreading democracy and freedom” if there’s nothing good to pillage while we’re at it?

Even worse, supposing North Korea does have the capabilities to launch a nuclear strike on the US, Dennis Rodman will become the safest person in the country to be around…which is a first.

When Rodman became the first American to visit North Korea under Kim Jong Un’s rule, he was also the only person stupid enough to believe that he was a guest of honor in the country, as opposed to a walking freak show Un could parade around and say to his people, “THIS is what Americans are like.”

I’d want to kill us too.

So, while it’s hard to blame North Korea for hating America so much, I still find it odd that they haven’t spoken to their upstairs neighbors in Japan about what happened when they picked a fight with the US and we obliterated, literally, their entire country.

I guess it’s hard to learn from history when your government-issued textbooks are filled with stories of Kim Jong Il’s illustrious tales of perfect, 18-stroke rounds of golf, beating Pac Man using only one quarter, or the time he fixed the jukebox at Al’s by bumping it with his hip.

That’s right. Kim Jong Il was basically Fonzi. The man had incredible hair.

On Gay Marriage

My brother is a well-respected doctor at a large hospital in the Midwest.

He works incredibly long hours and selflessly devotes his life to his patients. He saves countless lives on a daily basis.

My brother is currently unable to legally marry in the United States because he is a self-identifying member of the gay community.

Richard Ramirez, better known as the Nightstalker, is a serial killer who was found guilty of 13 counts of murder, 5 attempted murders, 11 sexual assaults, and 14 burglaries.

Ramirez was legally married while awaiting execution at San Quentin prison in 1996. 

Please support gay rights.

Thank you.

Betch (Expanded)

Everyone always gets up a full head of steam on that Facebook, huh?

I’m not one of those dickheads who deletes their Facebook and makes a huge deal about it only to rejoin a week later.

I fucking love Facebook.  Because how else am I going to keep track of how shitty everyone else is doing?

But I love it.  People get super worked up on Facebook and have this built in audience and they just go nuts about everything.

This one girl from my high school class let out a rant about her now former employer, Walgreens the other day.  It was this 3 paragraph run on how shitty a company Walgreens is, and ended with, “I’m sorry, Walgreens. I’m nobody’s bitch.”

Now, I’m sorry, but if you’re 27 and you work at Walgreens, I’m pretty sure you’re EVERYONE’S bitch.

You are one of the people who is just owned by society now.  And we treat you like a bitch because you did way too many drugs in high school, and now you work at Walgreens.

The only people who should work at Walgreens are useless 15 year olds with braces and equally useless 68 year old widows. 

See, this is why I stay on Facebook.

I feel great right now, after reading that shit about her life being that bad.  It makes what I’m doing seem less worthless and pathetic, and trust me…what I’m doing right now is about as low and pathetic as it gets.

___________________________________________________________________

This girl I went to high school with just unloaded a rant about her (now former) employer, Walgreens, on Facebook, saying, “I’m sorry, Walgreens. I’m nobody’s bitch!”

I’m sorry, but if you’re 27 and you work at Walgreens, I’m pretty sure you’re EVERYBODY’S bitch.

Thank you.